Evaporation

Pam: I think I have evaporated.
Mark: Into thin air.

The air here is thin and you suck it in in long deep breaths fearing that you might be getting the last of it. So my new teammates found out quicker than they imagined they would.

And somehow, perhaps the idea of becoming a vapor is the most accurate way to describe arrival in Lhasa. All the bowel clenching fears of ruin and brokenness and isolation dissolve into mist leaving only a dull, elusive ache.

It only takes one conversation with Mr. Wu, one visit to the office showered with sweet milk tea and Tibetan conversation, one newly met English teacher, one bag of miscellaneous fruit, one offer of help, one text from a student demanding tea at the earliest opportunity, one glass of tea from a neighbor who is more like an uncle I never had, one meat dumpling with fat squirting onto the receptive table beneath, one teary hug from a sister, one free bag of oranges from the grocery family who remain mystified that I still can't speak Chinese, one giggly grin hug from a beggar child who wipes her runny nose by rubbing her entire face with the tissue, one hour of rest, one honest conversation, one day back filled with far more than one of all of those things to understand that hopelessness, despair, and fear vanish... evaporate before joy.

May this be a year of evaporation.

Can't sit: my restlessness one day before China year 3

Can't sit when I got no chair. When all I have are boxes and bags, can't sit. When the path is straight before me and He wraps His right hand around my feet, can't sit. I cannot sit when He's told me to stand, I cannot be still when His Spirit says move. Can't do it. Can't sit.

Can't sit so I pack, luggage never unpacked, things that have no place to be, the useful and the useless dragged around the world, without it I'd be free.

Can't sit so I wander, around my family's house, back and forth across the state, through a garden with tomatoes ripe, and almost always late.

Can't sit so I dream, of the ruin that awaits me, of the joy that's set before, of airports and airplanes and hotels and clutter and movement and sleeplessness and excitement and the day when I say 'can't sit' no more.

***************************************************************

One more day.

One more day of my mum sitting in the corner knitting, one more day of dad puttering around the garden, one more day of my brothers' raucous laughter and my sister's listening ear. One more day of being able to call friends that have known me for longer than a year on the phone. One more day of soupy green NC summer and food that never makes me sick. One more day of a toilet that I can sit on and water that I can drink from the tap. One more day of comfort and ease surrounded by encouragement and friendship. Only one more. Then a year's worth of furious movement and stress that makes my heart and stomach swim in anticipation.

The truth is I'm a coward.

I dare not look too far ahead for fear that I'll end up in the belly of a fish. I am excited and I am afraid. I want to return, put my back to the plow, greet the horizon once more with purpose and power, but I sink when I look again at all I leave behind. Looking forward gives me no peace, looking behind fills me with grief... My eyes are in all the wrong places, I know where I ought to be looking.

Keep your eyes on Him, the author and perfecter of our faith... Consider Him... so that you won't grow weary and lose heart.

Alright. Maybe I wasn't meant to sit.

There ain't no drive thru...

"For the best eatin," said the withered old man as he rocked in his chair on a creaky wooden porch and a squirrel rustled a nearby tree, "there ain't no drive thru."

North Carolina summers are as swimmingly hot as I remember them always being and green like limes, green like pine forests, green like mint, green like string beans, green like kudzu, green like moss, green like cucumbers warm on the vine.
Clouds appear in the soft baby blue sky make shapes like snakes chasing mice shift to sail boats shift to just lazy clouds on the most pleasantly lazy day. Sweat pools on my back and a line of ants toting a bread crumb shimmer in the heat.
North Carolina accents are as gently drawling as I remember them always being and speak truth, affirmation, friendship, and joy. Tell me again why perseverance is your favorite word? What has been encouraging you lately? Let's laugh some more about why your ice melts faster than everyone else's, long forgotten home videos, and that chimpanzee that shares your name.
Giggles and music and understanding smoothed together make a balm for the soul patched by reminders of healing that is promised and strength that is sure.

Rolling hills, humid days, thick forests, sweet tea, sweeter fellowship...
You can't drive through that.

And even if you could, there ain't one.

You can't put a title on this

I have never been so blessed to be so inadequate to describe something: below lies a failed attempt for you...

**************************************************

There is something beautiful about words that are too flimsy and cheap to hold the goodness that you have received. There is something powerful that grips your soul and makes your heart race when faced with that kind of beauty.
We serve an Ephesians 3:20 Savior.

Words that sound like the very voice that spoke creation into existence make you want to drop on your knees and never get back up. Facedown is the truest and most meaningful position of mankind.
The Spirit is evident in you.

And you want to speak and never stop because there's never enough to say in gratitude and evidence of Him but you often find yourself speechless instead. And somewhere in that gap that would require everything to fill you find fullness.
Come and listen all who fear Him and I will tell what He has done for me.

Instead of fear and pain there is a place set for you. Instead of exhaustion and despair a banquet has been prepared. Instead of loneliness, a home.
We love you.

Whatever happened to that doubt? Where is that defeated one? How did he ever look so strong? I am clothed with peace and my eyes shaded by joy, my mouth filled with the sweetest honey.
I can't remember one single regret in serving Him only and trusting His hand.

There is not enough room in one soul to praise, nothing vast enough to hold it all. The thing that is really broken is just you, shattered by blessing.
I be happy when He comes in here and busts up my plans.

It's not about worth, it's not about anything done. Unnameable that something that has changed but suddenly tear drops look like sunbeams and the earth resounds with light.
Love has paved the way for grace.

Your pulse aligns with praise and breathing with blessing and you catch yourself just muttering "amen and amen"...
Oh I know He is Jehovah Jireh.

Tingly.
You know He's good when just looking at His glory will kill you.

Every thought bursts with truth and speckles each moment like a disco ball spinning in a darkened room. Gone are the days filled with desperation, empty pleas, hopeless wishes, distracted frustration, stress, evil, hate... Gone.
We went through fire and water, but You brought us out to abundance.

Fire and water yes... but abundance, You gave it to me and I'll refuse no longer.
Even the raindrops are smiling.

Said the caterpillar

"Who are YOU?" said the Caterpillar.
Alice replied rather shyly, "I--I hardly know, sir, just at the present..."

********************************************

"Who are you?" Simon asked... and for a moment I had nothing to tell him.

It might have been only a moment but it might have been a lifetime and when I blinked in the fading sunlight and the little Sudanese boy was still standing before me looking curiously up into my vacant eyes, I realized that my mouth had gone completely dry.

"I'm Kelly." I said finally with an answer I wasn't sure would suffice.
"And I'm Simon," he said with a conviction that I was immediately jealous of.

********************************************

I ended up back in an frosty apartment flopped down on a too short couch confused about why such a question from such a questioner would be so difficult for me to answer.

Of course I'm Kelly.

"Are you content now?" said the Caterpillar
"Well I should like to be a little taller, sir, if you don't mind... three inches is such a wretched height to be," said Alice.

Well I should like to be a little....

And my mind immediately filled with all of the little things I'd rather be, jostling to be first in line, trampling weaker thoughts, shoving like a herd of rhinos in a china shop, wrestling like fish caught in a net...

Nah... Kelly, just Kelly, is alright.

"It is a very good height indeed," said the Caterpillar.

A city of cardboard signs

A city so clean, buildings so reflective, lake Michigan like a sky dotted with sailboats instead of clouds.

Trying to go back home and hungry

The fountains make faces and overflow with millions of gallons of water, the architecture dazzles with texture and quirks, the rusty train tracks criss cross like lace thrown over the city.

If you buy one I promise I'll go away.

An art fair spontaneously bursts on the scene and paintings and sculptures multiply on the street, ambulance sirens wail and car tires press over asphalt, delis and popcorn shops grow snaking lines of people for tails, and a girl hums a song which gets lost in the rhythm of cups rattling with change.

Please help me I have nothing please understand.

An elevator in the awe inspiring public library holds only two guests. A tall, bent man with fatigue for a cap, getting off at the non-fiction floor wearing odd colored clothes from another time and carrying a duffel bag out of which peeps a newspaper, a jacket, a tube of toothpaste... bing... his floor. Have a nice day sir. You too.

Just hungry.

A street bustling with shoppers, tourists, all manner of folk. People with money walk past shops beckoning them in, bewitching them into leaving all their money inside. A woman with no face. Head wrapped in a scarf betraying her faith, posture curled, seated on a bag. She has been in Chicago two years originally from Romania. Her four children don't have school today because it's Sunday. Her Spanish is better than her English for some reason. Her husband died in an accident. This city is beautiful but not as beautiful as her home. Her name is Teresa.

When Teresa speaks she can't look at me. When she finishes each phrase she risks a glance, turning her shame stricken face cautiously towards mine. Her expression makes the clouds well up and become heavy and dark with rain. You're so kind she says when my hand squeezes her arm. It's only a little, I hope you can find the rest you need. She rubs the small bill and slips it into her pocket. When she glances at me again, all she sees are tears: mine.

Shalom AlaeKum I lost my job need money for rent and food have four children.
That's Teresa's sign. It shakes in her hands and she covers her face with it.

An army of volunteers turn the streets into barricades. A wild haired elderly man seen twice in one day. A helicopter roars between buildings past burnt out cars and heaps of rubble. Four parachuters wobble in the air and land on the street. A sneak peek at Tranformers 3 out in theaters soon. My train pulls away from the station without me.

The birds of the air have nests foxes have holes in the ground but the son of man has no place to lay his head.

A city of cardboard signs with rough edges and finger marks. Black marker scrawls their autobiography. Everything they possess carried in bags with fraying straps. All their hope for a meal numbered among a few sticky coins.

Chicago: a city of three million people. 80,000 don't have homes.

Welcome to Spa America

Weary? Tired of listening to the World Cup in Chinese? Arms sore from lifting boxes? Clothes filthy? Look like a caveman?

You've come to the right place friends.

Welcome to Spa America where all your dreams can come true. We have friendly customs officials who can clear you from Vancouver, and imported Iranian hair dressers to give you an immediate hair cut better than you've ever had before. We have nature shows on blue ray and lightning fast internet that will make you dizzy from the speed, and if those entertainment outlets aren't enough, Toy Story 3 is out in theaters now for you to enjoy in 3D.

If you're hungry you can take a pick from the widest range of dining options on earth right in one room if you choose. Now, at Wheaton College cafeteria they are serving three meals a day with more clean fruit and vegetables as well as a wider selection of meat and dairy than you've seen all year guaranteed. Organic corn chips and black lentil salsa anyone? Bagels? Let's see how many types of meat you can eat in a day...

After so much eating and entertainment you might want to bathe. Hot water instantly and at a temperature and pressure so consistent you may begin to lose all sense of time. Our range of bath products will also have you shocked. That oily skin is no match for our shelves of face scrubs and your split ends will flee in terror before the might of our conditioners. Did we mention that you could drink the water? Go ahead and have a sip, it's all clean. And no need to throw that used toilet paper in the filthy bucket next to you, just flush it down our state of the art seated toilet.

Other accommodations include temperature controls for every room, with a flick of the switch you can be as hot or cold as you like, machines that will wash your clothes better than any set of hands in China and dry them to boot, and streets that are safe to cross with no garbage anywhere in sight. Don't believe it? We challenge you to take you shoes off and stretch your toes in the lush green grass as proof.

Because here at Spa America we pride ourselves on the odds that you'll never be uncomfortable again.

Can I make a reservation for 2 months please?