A confession:
What my time in Thailand gave me a chance to do (besides be cheated, sweat, and pet tigers) was to become worn out in such a way that brought me face to face with my own depravity. I found that one cannot be possessed of the Spirit and spend an entire vacation frustrated, impatient, and generally awful and not experience a certain amount of conviction. The letter to Thailand was harsh, but if I had to write one to my own heart... it would be unpostable for its vileness. So here's a story for you:
Once upon a time there was a worm. The worm was cold. Dirty. Tired of eating and drinking the same things. Tired of living in the same crumbling hole. Tired of digging all day and seeing so little progress, nevermind that the worm was blind. The worm wanted a vacation. The worm dreamed of being renewed so that it could go back to being an even better worm. So the worm went to Thailand.
In Thailand the worm was hot, too hot. Still dirty. The worm got tired of all the Thai noodles and curries and western food day in and day out. The worm went from one hotel to the next, traveled all around the country by train and bus and car looking for a place that wasn't a crumbling hole. The worm, rather than relaxing, spent most of the time planning for the next day. The worm became angry, had no vacation, and quit dreaming.
The truth that the worm couldn't escape was that it was a worm. A worm at home, a worm in Lhasa, and a worm in Thailand.
The truth that the worm had forgotten was that it was a worm that was loved, undeservedly so, by a Holy One. And in that truth the worm could find vacation, the worm could find renewal, the worm could be more than a worm after all.
I am the worm.
Perhaps the reason Thailand was so frustrating for me is that I got what I deserved: discomfort, poor treatment, lack of rest. Because what I surely don't deserve (especially after meeting myself in that ungrateful, unholy state) is the limitless joy that comes from knowing that my name is written in the Book of Life and the realization that I get to live it out in the place where the land rises to catch the airplane out of the sky and among a people who are generous with their whole lives.
I'm not worthy, but I am back in Lhasa.
